not to make it sound like I've got the shit signed, sealed and delivered, 'cause i surely don't.
life is an immense struggle. doing new things is trying, taxing and hard.
to be consistent, is at times, the utmost difficulty.
when you're doing wrong. you measure your successes, not by how many times you've failed, but how many times you've succeeded.
when you're doing right. you can still measure the distance from where you need to go, by how many times you have failed, despite your successes.
diligence, equanimity.
If I had to honestly appraise my spiritual development in terms of the ten ox herding series. I'd be very, very generous to say that I'm somewhere between #4 (getting hold of the ox) & #5 (taming the ox).
the fires of emotion, frustration and self harshness are quieting, but still beckoning, breaking lose, causing damage and set backs. Not tamed in the least. but calming. Still a wild stallion, capable of calming in the presence of the one that can break him, but at times wild and certainly not amenable to the will of others, or the way. A wild animal that for a moment is calm, is not to be mistaken for a wild animal that has been broken and tamed.
the degree to which we fall short of our goals, are always measured in miles, unless we are consistently making progress. missing left and right. all over the place. not missing out of ignorance, but missing in knowledge.
am i the person i want to be?
I am the person i want to be, surely. decidedly, but my view of the path ahead, is so clear and so far beyond where i find myself.
do the thing man!
go where you can see.
follow the path.
when you get blocked or can not find it, then you can dilly dally in earnestness...
am i getting closer?
yes, I'm getting closer.
but, there is a slight anxiety that i may run out of time before i get a chance to do what i know I'm capable of.
and to be struck down at this point, would be very disheartening. not because i didn't have time, but because of how much bullshitting and lack of will and consistency, I've displayed.
i could surely do much better.
there are many disappointments on this trail of tears.
and many beautiful weigh stations where it looks so beautiful.
but make no mistake, this is an immense struggle. there are many miles to go. errors all about and i participate freely in the conspiracy to dissuade myself from the path to glory.
this is an immense struggle
this is an immense struggle
this is an immense struggle
life is a trail of tears. tears of sorry, and tears for beauty.
Be kind to yourself, even when the only thing you are guilty of, is falling short of that which only you knew you were capable of.
Don't beat and drive yourself like an eqyptian slave in the mud pits.
Treat yourself as you would a babe on the knee of the most loving, patient and kind grandmother.
Why? Because the same part of yourself that was urging you to fall below your grace,
is the same part of yourself that now wants to punish you with scorn and shame.
And the part of yourself that is most at home fulfilling your potential, must wait as this one part of yourself, puts you through endless cycles of temptation, desire, humiliation, scorn, shame and indignity.
This part that does these things is known as "ego"
It is the part we want to train and tame and bring upon the path.
It is the Ox that we seek,
It is the Ox that we want to allow to roam free, with right intent and love.
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