Parenting

IIt's hard to describe what parenting is all about. It's one of those particular, peculiar things about life. The deep, inner urge to have children and then the love that we have for them once they arrive, seemingly springs out of nowhere and is overwhelmingly potent at times. Parenting is an experience that is so innate and so programmed, and yet, so fulfilling and awe inspiring at the same time. For those of us who have heard the call to parenting and are engaged in it's challenges, it's an experience that is hard to imagine not having, once having tasted it.

With all of the responsibilities of parenthood, one would think that parents would fret about it more and at most times be complete emotional wrecks, yet, even for moderately disordered individuals, parenthood, the love of parenting, the desire to care for, and provide for and to protect ones child, is preeminent in ones mind as well as second nature.

and yet in the loving dance between parent and child we are both in essence and by construction forever somewhat enigmas to one another. You come to know your own parent so well over time, and your children come to know you very well. yet, in that closeness, which is so nurturing and necessitous it's almost as if the element of the "role" of child and parent is so potent, that it clouds the understanding of the person outside of the role of parent.. in fact, to be ones child, is to never truly know your parent, outside of the parenting experience. the needs of the parent and the natural, over time maturation of the parent and of the child, is such that we for the most part, remain forever engaged in a elegant, beautiful and choreographed relationship dance. Never to emerge from it. never to know this individual off of "the dance floor" of this relationship.

We all have our own ideas about what is important in this vital dance.

Family First: Treat the mother, father, step-parents, grandparents, step-grandparents with reverence, respect and deference... Teach your children the primary importance of considering and being concerned and responsive to the ideas, health, experiences, and uniqueness of their family members. consider deeply their contributions and their ideas and what they have passed onto your children. Teach your children the importance of family, and give them repeated experiences with family and family members. Speak positively and respectfully of all family members. This includes uncles, aunts, good friends, and especially parents, lovers and caregivers. Teach your children loyalty, and how to welcome friends into their life, and to defend them, support them, think of them and to share what they have with them. The family is the basis of all societies. ALL societies.. how you treat one another, becomes a template for how your children treat every person they meet... hopefully it will be as a friend, until proven otherwise, and once that friendship is established, they will continue that relationship with the highest level of care, loyalty and responsibility, so that they can have lifelong companions to learn from, teach and reflect themselves and the friendship as they go about the process of following their dreams and engaging in their passions. Teach them to always strive to reduce, minimize and resolve conflict. to make resolution a goal at all times with family. to be endlessly forgiving, tirelessly loyal and exhaustingly cooperative with their family. To come to you for help in understanding their relationships and in resolving conflicts. Teach them that their own ideas and personal space, feelings and principles must never be breeched and yet, within this, they should strive to resolve conflict and even to take the opportunity of conflict to improve themselves, their understanding and to strengthen their relationships.

Nutrition, Exercise, Self Care: last but no least right? your shopping cart should be filled with fruits and vegetables and whole grain breads, and fresh ingredients. keep sugared, canned, and packaged foods to a minimum. "vote" with your food dollars. Keep meat to a minimum, and make great choices. If you are going to give treats, then give them baked goods, fruit with whipping cream.. stay away from processed candies, artificial ingredients, and stuff that has a shelf life of more than a few days, experiment with different flavors and treats from around the world.... Teach them to eat for nutrition, never for taste. Teach them to eat small portions, to eat a diverse menu, to let their bodies, tummies and feeling of fullness and comfort in their bodies to be their guide. get them to bed in time, wake them up in time for school. bath them, make sure they get outside every day, keep them clean, safe, warm, dry and loved... make sure they exercise, are exposed to team and individual sports, games of cooperation and competition. how to work together, to play their role, to push themselves beyond what they thought they were capable of, to fulfill their responsibility, to learn from their mistakes, to shore up their weaknesses, to establish goals, to be on time, to follow directions, to trust their team-mates, to have pride, respect, dignity and that they owe it to their opponent to give them the best fight that they can give, so that in that vital competition, they may both profit from the experience to grow, to understand and to learn a valuable lesson they can take with them for life.

Consistency: that is, you get up, have a rhythm to life, a ritual to the events of the day, bedtime ritual, getting ready to leave ritual, exploration together, traveling, checking in, education.. family get togethers, things we do during the week, etc. Don't be rigid in your schedule. allow for "authentic" deviation. give some things a break. back off of some things, change the style, flip the script, go with the flow... but even in that, be consistent, so that your child can learn not only the rhythm of life, but what rhythm works best for them...

Love: unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, normalizing, explanation, gentle correction, acknowledgement.. Tell your children you love them, every time the impulse takes hold. hug them when you're happy to see them, when you leave, when they need encouragement, before bed, when they wake up. run your hand through their hair, pick them up, look them in the eye, comb their hair, wipe their noses, get them clean warm clothes, prepare good meals and lunches, give them water... bring them around loving people and keep them away from people who don't think they're special, or worthy of being treated as full and equal partners in whatever experience you are about to have... love your kids. that's the only way they'll learn what love is and how to love back... this is how they will learn to not be self-conscious. to be comfortable in their bodies, with others, with "good touch" and how to comfort and soothe themselves. Teach your kids that they are beautiful, worthy of being loved, adorable, unique, special, and that most of all, they are the most important thing in the world to you. it will last a lifetime. they will always carry this around them. it will set a standard for how they think of themselves, and by how you treat them in loving ways, will teach them how to recognize those in their life that truly love them... for the right reasons...

Nurturing Passion: prioritizing time for them to experience different situations and prioritizing time for the to engage in what they want to do.. this teaches kids to follow their passion and allows them to gain proficiency and all of the benefits of growing in relation to something else. Nurturing passions begins with love, comfort and a home base that is consistent, loving and supportive, for this becomes internalized. and if someone can carry this around, then they have an inexhaustible pool of self-reserves from which they can calm themselves, and continually make forays into the world at large to achieve their dreams.

Forethought: providing for food, clothing, shelter, meeting responsibilities to continue and to avoid any threat to providing to your kids. forethought also extends beyond this to a capacity to envision, live in, and plan for a future. children who are raised in chaotic environments, "learn" to live in the moment and that the world is not consistent enough to plan for. In order for our children to have long range plans, they have to have a tangible experience in planning, preparation, and having consistency, communication and help in seeing how the parts of the present, build up to the future. In too many of the folks I've worked with who are traumatized, mentally ill, homeless and unable to meet the most basic needs.. the one trait they all seemingly have in common is a loss of hope, that robs them of an ability to become a positive actor in their lives, or an early life condition and lifestyle which teaches that there is in no real terms a future. Only a present.

Cooperation/communication: This world we live in requires that we meet a consensus with our neighbors, our family our community and friends. to be able to construct something, to be able to share, to listen, to understand, all requires that we communicate and cooperate in that communication. As a basis, the ability to see others as brothers and sisters in the struggle, instead of adversaries, is a huge lesson and perhaps the most important lesson humans need to learn. and so, it's not so much about being "polite". as we look at the problems of the the conflicts... they are problems and conflict that only adults, who do not feel any obligation to cooperate and communicate can come up with. we must stress the ability of the individual to have respect for the things and rights of others.. while at the same time, encouraging sharing, cooperation and communication. cooperation and sharing ideas with all of the caregivers, making sure that everyone gets to provide for that child the best that they can provide and what they think is essential for that child to have. may we all give that one or two, (or 5) things that we feel are important for our children to have..

Education/Critical thinking: teaching our kids, explaining things, soliciting opinions, and teaching them how to learn is a gift that keeps on giving, but if you don't value their opinions and get them to think creatively, that is, to feel completely free to offer hypothesis, theories, to laugh, be creative, to joke, to be absurd, then their ability to respond genuinely and authentically and with a degree of humor and levity... in other words, "freedom' will be compromised... "play" extends beyond monkey bars. "play" needs to be infused in all of life for a child. for in the final analysis, we're all here for a different purpose, and yet, we are merely "playing" in life in a sense. Teach your children "history" their history. the off the beaten path history. the history of their people, your family, your culture and the world in which you live. when you think about it, every book, every show, every experience you tell your kid about, is "history" for it happened in the past.. but to be engaging, you need to make it into the present... and the point of teaching your kid history is so that they understand why things are the way they are, how they got to be that way, and by learning this, they will be free to question the basis of what is, and what should be. they will learn the great societal debates and the lessons of the past and recognize the basis for present day situations.. teach them about the great figures in history, for by in large, history is made by unique and special individuals, in unusual circumstances, who made bold and and timely decisions... teach your children, history, education and the foundation of critical analysis and reasoning. it will assist them, in everything they do.

X-Factor: be authentic with your children, so they can be authentic with you. Take the opportunity that parenthood gives you to be the absolute best person you can be. Take parenthood as a growth opportunity to expand your capacity for care, for love, for selflessness, for patience, for intentionality. and most of all, whatever it is that's unique about you. Your passions, your loves, your activities, your ideas, culture, books, artists, music.. share all of that with your children as well as the reasons why you find these things unique and special. Let your children know that you are engaged in life and find life to be enjoyable and why.. this will infuse your children with the idea that they can use your passions as a springboard for their own. it will teach them to experiment and investigate the world to see what it has to offer and what loves and passions they can unearth.

Philosophical inquiry: Teach your child a bit about the great mysteries of life past and present. teach them about the Buddha, Christ, Einstein, W.E.B. DuBois, Gandhi.. the cosmos, magic, alchemy, spirituality, reproduction, astrology... teach them the wonder of life, the earth and the world in which we live.... tell them stories with morals, expose them to mythology, cultural stories, stories of creation, adventure, mythic beasts, explorers, legends... and parables, stories with ethics, decision making, learning experiences.. teach them an appreciation for the arts and different world views, textures, materials, colors and patterns and traditions... read to them, explain to them, show them how it's made and how it's done.... and what it means...