it took the form of taking things down from a back room that had a lot of things up.
i was thinking about what my home would look like once i had gotten rid of all the clutter.
i realized it would look like the home of someone that "had their shit together"
and then i realized that to have my home in such a condition would be fitting, seeing as i did have my shit together.
which made me have to think about how my home looked now, and how it has looked in the past.
quite simply, it was a huge clue as to the person i was was, but more succinctly, the person i used to be.
by holding onto the idea that "i don't know how to have a clean, neat, organized, ordered....home"
i was giving into a laziness and a psychological remnant of having been a person that had come from a home where i really didn't have control over how the space was. there were three other individuals responsible for it's condition, which in many psychological circles would be recognized as a situation where diminished capacity would lead to the possibility that no one would be responsible for it's condition.
however, as the leader of my home, i am quite unquestionably responsible for it's condition.
and so i realized that.
wandering around my own home looking at things i want, or don't want, all mixed together, feeling like they can not be separated, or that there is no way to overcome the puzzle of sorting it out, or even conceeding the fact that it's more "it's space" than "my space" so, there's really not much i can do about it... for even if i were to try, i would hit some kind of wall soon into the proposition, which would end the entire matter... for in truth, i had never in my life, ever found the wisdom, will, inspiration, drive and and skill to make my space ordered... the proof was within my personal history. no such event had ever occured... or had it?
i had achieved an "ordered" space, but not by ordering it, rather, by flushing the entire contents of my space away where only myself and a few essentials remained.
famously, one such occurence had me down to a pot, a fork, 2-3 pairs of pants, underwear, shirts and a coat.... of course a blanket... and it was a major triumph to get rid of the pillow.
but uh, on this day, at this time. i wanted something a bit more reasonable.
realizing that by ordering my space, the last clue would be eliminated that i didn't have my shit together was a major realization.
and in a real way, it represented "fulfilling the promise"
one of the things i had taken down, was an american flag.
i thought, "one person may say, one day, that damon had a very austere home, and there was only one thing on the wall. do you know what it was? it was an american flag."
i believe in that flag, and the promise it holds out.
through all the hypocrisy, the power struggles, the fears, the mongering (on may subjects... undoubtedly), the wording of (most) of the articles of confederation, from the declaration, to the constitution (including bill of rights and amendments), it's as if it were written when the old testament god had had his own "come to jesus" moment with his own creation, and decided to expound on just what the real reason was, that we were here.
in true freirian spirit, the subjects of his creation, in this space called america, articuated these principles for themselves.
i believe in the buddhist/american traditions and *principles of inner and outward freedom and liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, equality, as well as the right to reorganize to throw off usurpations of the principles above...
and these principles extend to all levels and ordinations of mankind.
from mother to child, government to citizen, and even from self to self.
Once we achieve "freedom" from something, we must achieve freedom within ourselves.
to be free, we must be free to choose our life, our position, our dreams, how we want to act, look, live, relate, work...
and if we are unable to meet our goals due to some fault or deficiency, real or imagined within ourselves, then we must also have the freedom to reorganize ourselves in such a way to throw off such limitations in the service of our true freedom and liberation including even our spiritual salvation.
and so, it must be the case, that our lives are in a very real sense, in every one of our actions and thoughts, about "fulfilling the promise"
first the promise we make to ourselves, that allows us to make promises to others.
promises to be the person we want to be, to do the things we need to do to become that person.
to honor, love and protect.
to enlighten, to perceive clearly, to act justly.
and even, to arrange our environments in a way which is in accord with who/what/how we want to be, or better yet, who we actually are, or have the potential to become.
cleaning my house is fulfilling the promise i've made to myself to make the most of this life, to honor this life, to make the most of the moment, to be mindful... and also, it's fulfilling the promise i made to myself when i realized i could be anyone i wanted to be, because no one, including myself, knew that i wasn't that person.... and better yet, if i decided to become that person, and acted as that person acted and did what that person would do, then there would be no difference between that person, and me. it would be imperceptible to the point of actually being that person.
cleaning my space, would remove the last, most outward clue of the deception, which in fact, was not a deception, rather, a promise unfulfilled.
it was really nice to awaken with this thought. on a day, which signals a beginning, a very real and understood way.
it is january 1, 2010.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
*We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
No comments:
Post a Comment